Sometimes the Message Isn’t Just for Them.. It’s for Me...

Today I preached a message on joy. But what most people didn’t know is that I was preaching it to myself.

A year ago, I was drowning.

I didn’t want to admit it... not out loud. But inside, I was breaking. The kind of breaking where you smile for everyone else and collapse when you’re alone. The kind where the world keeps moving but you feel stuck in a fog you can’t explain.

I couldn’t sleep.
I couldn’t think straight.
My chest constantly felt like it was caving in.
I’d wake up in the middle of the night, heart pounding, mind spiraling, hands shaking.

And the worst part? I told no one.

Because I’m the pastor. The fixer. The one who’s “okay.”
So I did what I’ve always done... I put my head down and tried to make everyone around me happy. I buried myself in ministry, in doing, in serving, in pretending. But it didn’t fix what was broken.

Sandy saw it.
My kids felt it.
A close friend knew.
God knew.

I had been carrying more pain than I even realized. Losing my cousin. Then my brother. Then church family I deeply loved, some who walked away, and others who were ripped from this world through unspeakable tragedy. There were no answers, just aching. And it built up.

Grief unprocessed becomes pressure.
And pressure becomes panic.
And panic, if left alone, becomes despair.

I didn’t know how to grieve. I didn’t know how to stop. I didn’t know how to rest. But that friend… they wouldn’t let me keep going like that. They stayed with me. Spoke gently. Pushed when I needed it. And when I was finally ready to listen, God opened every door and made a way for me to step back.

I took a sabbatical.

And in that sacred space, God broke through.
Not with thunder. Not with fireworks. But with the quiet reminder that I’d forgotten:
Joy doesn’t come from control.
Joy doesn’t come from success.
Joy doesn’t come from applause, or safety, or getting everything right.
Joy comes from Jesus. Period.

The message I preached today… it was the one I needed back then.
And it might be the one you need now.

If you’re carrying pain you don’t know how to talk about…
If the anxiety is so loud you can’t breathe…
If you’re tired of pretending, tired of smiling, tired of barely making it…

I see you.
I was you.

And I’m telling you the truth:
There is joy on the other side of this.
Not the fake kind.
Not the “cheer up” kind.
The deep, steady, unshakeable kind.
Joy that isn’t based on what’s around you.
Joy that comes from who is within you.

Jesus never promised we’d avoid the fire. But He promised we’d never walk through it alone. And that’s where joy is found.

So today, I didn’t preach a message for perfect people.
I preached to the worn out.
The barely-holding-on.
The ones smiling on the outside and screaming on the inside.
I preached to me.
And maybe… to you too.

Joy is a choice.
It’s not always easy.
But it’s always possible.
Because Jesus is always enough.

Click here to watch or listen to the message I spoke about in this blog.